Facial Hair

Growing up in the Information age, discovering my newfound sexuality, and going through all of the normal craziness that most teenagers do, I spent many years trying to project myself outwardly as "someone".  The problem was, this was hardly a genuine projection.  It was essentially a mask I wore for external validation, a façade to please others in spite of myself.

 

Most of my childhood, I was extremely introverted, and I ate whatever I wanted.  Food, social media, and computer games were drugs I used to deal with my feelings of loneliness or dejection.  I also didn't care much about what I looked like.  Once I started putting a little more energy into what I was eating, I was able to lose some weight.  To no surprise, some people started to pay more attention to me. 

 

In college, I used to eat a s'mores pop-tart and drink coffee every morning.  I fell in love with the selfie and stopped using my DSLR.  Also, to be fair, I was fairly active.  I was extremely skinny.  I still kept my facial hair though.  Every year, I tried different styles.  It felt like if I changed my image, things would make sense.  Guys might like me if I looked like X.

 

After college, I slowly started to gain weight and things started to stabilize.  However, I never really addressed the underlying feelings associated with my need to change my outward appearance and the deep seated feelings that I had to be or look a certain way to be appealing.

 

This message, fed to me by society at large, the media, even casual friends, was extremely inaccurate.  However, it was internalized.  It's futile to believe we can erase these embedded voices.  We can only make small cracks day by day.  It's becoming exceedingly clear that my attempts to change my appearance to others was an endless cycle of trying to change my appearance to myself.  My lifestyle has changed over the years.  I have become less active as a result of a sedentary job.  I have decided to allow myself to indulge in food and alcohol.  When you see yourself every day in the mirror, you don't notice the gradual changes happening to your body.

 

The other day, I decided to shave my facial hair off at the suggestion of my friend Ellie and in the spirit of challenging my ingrained perceptions of myself.  I also am letting my hair grow out.  Both of these are my least favorite styles.  I have to be completely honest, I was disgusted with how I looked.  Behind my facial hair, I saw all of the imperfections in my face, how my face shape had changed, how I had put on weight, etc.  It was brutal and it made me feel like shit.

 

My first inclination was to go to others to vent and seek validation for my frustrated feelings.  The responses I received were interesting.  They ranged from purely refuting my feelings and saying I looked great, to suggesting "well you can always wait for it to grow back", to encouraging me to work on my physique, to telling me I looked older.  One person got it right, though.  "I hear you, there are greater forces at play here (i.e., Pandemic), and I'm not going to tell you your perception of your body is wrong.  That being said, I think you look great."

 

Holy shit.  Empathy without judgment, Honesty without flattery, that is what I need to hear.  That's what I wasn't getting from others and that's what I wasn't giving to myself.  This is brutal self work.  We are taught that we are right or wrong from a young age and well, fuck that.

So here I am, right now.  No filters, no blurring, all imperfections glaring.  This is me.