The Ramblings of Daily Life

I'm still here at the junction you left me, Shaken about and a little dusty. I am ready to be treated the way I was shown, eight years ago. I've watched the trains passing by,  with cars full of happy people, drinking tea and cheery. My soul burns with infinite regret, each time i see the tracks left behind me. While I sit here frozen and time itself, seems to run past me just a little bit faster. Perhaps it's too late for me,  to catch a little light before it all burns red. Your lips on mine were fire, in the warm summer nights and now your voice is a siren. We are doused out and smoke is dissipating, into the ether where my mind rests. Sinking beneath satin sheets and fluffy pillows, I am still in this place where you left me.

The other day, I used the last of my SpongeBob tear free Bubblebath.  Hopefully, it won't present a health hazard because it's one of those items that has lingered on for years and years.  I actually remember buying that bubble bath with Richard in a local Wally World back in 2009.  In honor of Richard's memory, I used the last of the bubble bath. I told my parents I was going on a trip with my friends for the weekend in the summer of '09.  At the time, I did not have a car of my own and it was a big deal for them to let me drive their car.  Equipped with my Motorola Infuse phone (yes, flip phone), I used VZW navigator to drive 191 miles down i-85 S until I approached the wasteland of strip malls 61 miles north of Atlanta.  The Jefferson exit was christened with a single Publix.   I arrived in a cookie cutter neighborhood, where I picked up Richard.  We had to keep things obscure, of course.  He introduced me to his friend, Emily as his ...

  Photo taken on Asheville Trail I believe that people change… well some people do.   Over the course of my life, so far, I’ve known a lot of people.   Some on a superficial level, some in great depth.   I’ve spent hours listening to stories over wine, commiserating about life’s obstacles, empathizing with shared vitriol over those who think differently.   I think it would be hard to find someone who says they don’t want to change for the better. We all set lofty goals for ourselves in the hopes we will get somewhere new.   I’m going to lose that weight, I’m going to stop drinking, I’m going to put myself out there, I am going to move.   I, too, have fallen victim to these aspirations.   They sound fluffy and they lift your spirits. However, without appropriate action, they are just lip service.   Changes are not made in sweeping movements, they happen each day, with little baby steps. It’s easier to accept the status quo when we embrace ...

  A boulder on my back and a pit in my stomach. Churning in the wee hours of the morning.   Could I achieve a few more hours of busy, static sleep? Casual life of the unacceptable.   Can I listen to your quiet voice among the brazen? Sweat brandished into the sheets.   I fucking hate you with every fiber of my being. I want to destroy your feelings.   Then I’d just be, or I’d just slip into the catacombs of emptiness. Behind a wall of distraction.   The hurdle of inspiration seems to be getting beaten down. Over and over and over.   Carrying the boulder, Until you are ready to let it fall.    

Words stuck at the tip of my tongue. Anger, anguish, fear. Struck is the whipped cream on a cocktail of emotional pain. I am a popped balloon. You compared the two of us. Your sister’s eyes said so much. Deep down I knew.  Deep down I knew. I wanted to be righteous. I waited, I chased, I fought to the acerbic end. Ripped to shreds, waiting For a scrap of pity from you. Eyes glued shut with yesterday's tears. I wanted to appease you, So I could hate you properly. Violent voices sprung at the ring of my phone.   Cowered into A corner, I leapt up and ran. I threw things.  I tore away. I vowed never again, never again. History I can’t rewind. I see myself in you, baby. I had so much to learn. It's going to hurt like hell. Solitude, rugged individualism, A wall so high no heart could climb, My antidote. Let's stop the doors from closing off. You're worthy, you're worthy. You must be kind.  Grow humbly, with bright eye...

Growing up in the Information age, discovering my newfound sexuality, and going through all of the normal craziness that most teenagers do, I spent many years trying to project myself outwardly as "someone".   The problem was, this was hardly a genuine projection.   It was essentially a mask I wore for external validation, a façade to please others in spite of myself.   Most of my childhood, I was extremely introverted, and I ate whatever I wanted.   Food, social media, and computer games were drugs I used to deal with my feelings of loneliness or dejection.   I also didn't care much about what I looked like.   Once I started putting a little more energy into what I was eating, I was able to lose some weight.   To no surprise, some people started to pay more attention to me.     In college, I used to eat a s'mores pop-tart and drink coffee every morning.   I fell in love with the selfie and stopped using my DSLR.   Also...

We all need convictions.  We can’t recall the past correctly, so we fill in the gaps.  We can’t predict the future, so we imagine.  I would never give up my imagination for anything.   The fact that I still have the ability to dream is the biggest blessing.   However, I must not confuse dream with prophecy. I vacillated back and forth among various living situations in the last several years.   I rented by myself, with roommates, in high-end communities, low end communities, lived at home.   Changing my environment was one way in which I reset myself for a fresh beginning.   Every time I thought about purchasing a home, I could not make up my mind about what I wanted.   A nice townhome in the city, a fixer upper in the burbs, a house in the country?   I let everyone else’s opinions shift my attitude towards what I wanted back and forth.   I toured a bunch of different places, but I seemed to always find an issue so...