The Ramblings of Daily Life

Angels We were born with our genetics, and our bodies, and our brains And we were conditioned to shame and compare and beat one another for the superficial conditions of our existence. The little ways we survived in the world, and we grew accustomed to numbing the pain, or living out a story, or abusing others for our own relief. We could believe that we are the victims of circumstance and we are caught in an endless cycle of cause and effect. We could believe we are the endless drum of a world that keeps on marching, a runaway thought that never ceases. There is some comfort in the way it all seems, and the predictability, the inevitability, the infallable nature of all of it. And there is tremendous difficulty in pulling apart the layers of the ego, assembling the pieces together, seeing a whole complex person. It takes months, or years, or a lifetime, and some of us will never succeed. You could argue if it is a worthwhile effort. If you are lucky, you will encounter a mirror, a s

this was originally written June 7 2021 We danced in the living room, you and my two left feet. I opened the door smiling, breaking up my work day. Always with something in hand. The hot nights of 2021 so filled with sweets and gifts. A card saying "it would be okay", I still open the back door and hope  to see you there. The sun ravaged us while we connected deeply under the summer sun. Like a hurricane that swept me up each time, I could feel your heart beating, from a few steps away. You'd tell me I was beautiful,  and I'd always look away.   We'd take walks across campus, only joined by the crickets and the leaves. When I couldn't find words, you always knew what to say,  I kept thinking you were sent from somewhere far away. I always choked before I had a chance to say that I care for you deeply. I even painted you a picture,  I'm  embarrassed to say.   my life is quite confusing, much to my dismay. The seasons always change, but how I hoped you would

It's a new era in my life, on thirty. Not because I am now three decades old, soldier of time. Sort of uncomfortable standing on the precipice of a new swoop. At several points in time, I thought I noticed the same horizon. A sophomore in High School, who despite a flurry of anxieties Made conversation with a casual acquaintance, minor victories, who ended up being one of my best friends. Sitting in the parking lot at the eye doctor one summer before college telling mom that I was in a relationship with a guy.   The fear finally had room to breathe, if only a bit more room. Walking around the beautiful campus of Chapel Hill in the summer, relishing in my independence and loving the spiritual development I was undertaking. Doing nonsense just because I could, alive. Accepting my first job and believing I would take on the world, and then realizing I would have to change it from within first. Embracing material creature comforts along the way. Loving enough to let go, enduring the pa

I'm still here at the junction you left me, Shaken about and a little dusty. I am ready to be treated the way I was shown, eight years ago. I've watched the trains passing by,  with cars full of happy people, drinking tea and cheery. My soul burns with infinite regret, each time i see the tracks left behind me. While I sit here frozen and time itself, seems to run past me just a little bit faster. Perhaps it's too late for me,  to catch a little light before it all burns red. Your lips on mine were fire, in the warm summer nights and now your voice is a siren. We are doused out and smoke is dissipating, into the ether where my mind rests. Sinking beneath satin sheets and fluffy pillows, I am still in this place where you left me.

The other day, I used the last of my SpongeBob tear free Bubblebath.  Hopefully, it won't present a health hazard because it's one of those items that has lingered on for years and years.  I actually remember buying that bubble bath with Richard in a local Wally World back in 2009.  In honor of Richard's memory, I used the last of the bubble bath. I told my parents I was going on a trip with my friends for the weekend in the summer of '09.  At the time, I did not have a car of my own and it was a big deal for them to let me drive their car.  Equipped with my Motorola Infuse phone (yes, flip phone), I used VZW navigator to drive 191 miles down i-85 S until I approached the wasteland of strip malls 61 miles north of Atlanta.  The Jefferson exit was christened with a single Publix.   I arrived in a cookie cutter neighborhood, where I picked up Richard.  We had to keep things obscure, of course.  He introduced me to his friend, Emily as his cousin.  I used my Nikon D60 grad

  Photo taken on Asheville Trail I believe that people change… well some people do.   Over the course of my life, so far, I’ve known a lot of people.   Some on a superficial level, some in great depth.   I’ve spent hours listening to stories over wine, commiserating about life’s obstacles, empathizing with shared vitriol over those who think differently.   I think it would be hard to find someone who says they don’t want to change for the better. We all set lofty goals for ourselves in the hopes we will get somewhere new.   I’m going to lose that weight, I’m going to stop drinking, I’m going to put myself out there, I am going to move.   I, too, have fallen victim to these aspirations.   They sound fluffy and they lift your spirits. However, without appropriate action, they are just lip service.   Changes are not made in sweeping movements, they happen each day, with little baby steps. It’s easier to accept the status quo when we embrace lofty, unrealistic goals.   The larger the d