A meditation on goals and self reflection

 

Photo taken on Asheville Trail

I believe that people change… well some people do.  Over the course of my life, so far, I’ve known a lot of people.  Some on a superficial level, some in great depth.  I’ve spent hours listening to stories over wine, commiserating about life’s obstacles, empathizing with shared vitriol over those who think differently. 

I think it would be hard to find someone who says they don’t want to change for the better. We all set lofty goals for ourselves in the hopes we will get somewhere new.  I’m going to lose that weight, I’m going to stop drinking, I’m going to put myself out there, I am going to move.  I, too, have fallen victim to these aspirations.  They sound fluffy and they lift your spirits. However, without appropriate action, they are just lip service.  Changes are not made in sweeping movements, they happen each day, with little baby steps.

It’s easier to accept the status quo when we embrace lofty, unrealistic goals.  The larger the delta, the more likely we are to procrastinate and ignore them.  It’s also important that we set ourselves up for success by setting goals from a place of love.

Too often, we set goals from a frame of lacking.  They come from a place of self-hatred instead of self-love.  For example, starving yourself so that you can look good so “people” will be interested in you.  This never works out for the best.  Your body and your mind and universal intelligence know what is best for you.  Sometimes we must heal ourselves before we are ready for the next step.

Recently I started each day with a gratitude journal.  I force myself to write three things I’m grateful for each morning.  I also set some small goals for the day (i.e., get outside, spend time talking to a friend, do laundry).  These small goals may not seem like much, but they are accomplished.  Small accomplishments breed large accomplishments.

We are programmed from a young age, either by nature or nurture, to believe certain things about ourselves.  I conjecture that these beliefs are largely unconscious.  As a result, we develop maladaptive thoughts and behaviors that become a part of our personalities.  We then judge ourselves for exhibiting these traits which we deem counterproductive.  We often brutally castigate ourselves just for being human, the most basic of our instincts made us who we are.

So is reciprocal judgment for simply executing what we likely had little to no control over a good use of time?  Can we help that we were bullied as a young kid?  Can we help that society told us we were unacceptable for the way we innately were?  Can we help that a series of interactions led us to see drugs as an outlet for escape?  Can we help that we grew up in a society of computers and technology instead of face to face interactions?  In most cases, our level of control over these ultimately impactful circumstances was next to none.  Unfortunately, in most cases, this programming turns into automatic thoughts and automatic (protective) behaviors, and people begin to think this is our personality.  This leads to us feeling as if we are validated in our understanding of ourselves as futilely stuck.

So here we are, as young adults, or adults, or sometimes, seniors, trying to change ourselves and reverse all of this programming.  We may try therapy, drugs, serial escapism, relational codependency, etc.  There are a million solutions and will always be someone there to sell you a solution to a problem you think you have.  Unfortunately, most of these "quick fixes" are more harmful than helpful.  Our counterproductive habits are numbing us from feeling and interacting with our dysfunctional programming and yes, we must eliminate them first. 

The only way we can eliminate counterproductive habits is to replace them (habits in general, by the way).  So let us try an experiment.  Make friends with yourself, make friends with the programming that our habits have tried to numb.  Indulge in it, reflect on it as much as you need to.  But once you understand it, you don’t need to give it anymore oxygen.  You have reached understanding.  Now you need to get in touch with your best self.  What gives you life? Excites you enough to jump out of your chair?  Maybe you don’t know, maybe you need to experiment? Maybe you need to take the leap.  These should be your new habits. 

Slowly introduce your productive habits while phasing your old ones out.  Allow yourself to get lost in them.  Read a new book, take a hike, meet new people, explore new ventures. Over time, you can replace your maladaptive habits with constructive ones.  All the more, you are becoming more aligned, actualized and complete. The difference is that you can start now.  You can start by taking action even when you don't feel ready.  Ditch the "when I get X, I will do Y" mentality.  You are as ready now as you will ever be.  

My therapist once said "You're betraying yourself by not listening".  When you don't listen, you trade your presence for the future, a day which may never come.  

I can’t overstate the difficulty of changing.  I would venture to say most people never change.  They may temporarily exude new habits, but I am talking about real, lasting change.  It’s ridiculously hard, especially since we are programmed to wear blinders and ignore our true thoughts and feelings.  Most of us just spend our lives learning how to cope with our incorrect, nonfactual programming.  We learn to live with it rather than understand how it affects us.

Don’t try to fix yourself.  Try to understand yourself.  Then start moving towards your small and eventually larger goals.  The effect will snowball in ways you can’t imagine.  Replace your bad habits with good ones.  Engage your interests and values.  Take off the blinders.  Bon voyage.