On Thirty

It's a new era in my life, on thirty.

Not because I am now three decades old, soldier of time.

Sort of uncomfortable standing on the precipice of a new swoop.

At several points in time, I thought I noticed the same horizon.

A sophomore in High School, who despite a flurry of anxieties

Made conversation with a casual acquaintance, minor victories,

who ended up being one of my best friends.

Sitting in the parking lot at the eye doctor one summer before college

telling mom that I was in a relationship with a guy.  

The fear finally had room to breathe, if only a bit more room.

Walking around the beautiful campus of Chapel Hill in the summer,

relishing in my independence and loving the spiritual development I was undertaking.

Doing nonsense just because I could, alive.

Accepting my first job and believing I would take on the world,

and then realizing I would have to change it from within first.

Embracing material creature comforts along the way.

Loving enough to let go, enduring the pain to leave abuse behind.

Hold you one last time before I put up a boundary for your sake and for mine.

Short term pain, for long term solace.

Full circle when my passion for psychology and desire to affect change

intersected enrolling in school for my masters degree and working full time.

Balancing the needs of my present and future self.

Realizing that people you allow in your life, your realm

are of supreme importance, they stick to you like velcro.  

With each minute spent, you become more forged.

Finally, giving away what isn't mine, releasing odd insecurities

and separate yourself from the fibers you've been intricately weaved into,

the iteration you were, snapping pictures on the phone.

Some will naturally pull away from you, feels like a train wreck coming.

makes you feel sick to your stomach when you see the destruction clearly

beautiful destruction, soaking in lavender salt sprinkled garden tubs.

With all of the love in the world, I send off the kid on the playground,

knowing he is loved and supported, and ready to follow all of the intuitive

forces that guide life forward, thirty onward.

The wind is at my back, this time and this place, this magical day.

I have time and love to share with all of those who deserve it, and

undoubtedly growth all the same, for with love there is always growth.

The potential land and sea and flickers of light, all the colors and possibilities imaginable.

I can experience in this lifetime, from here on out, in the next stage.

Stitching a new quilt made from my own thread, using my own needle,

Finally listening to what's larger than us, stripping the blinders and the heavy weights that anchor us down, stretching our arms wide as if to take off.