Unbeautiful

I look in the mirror and feel unbeautiful.  A flat soda pop on the counter, I can't stay bubbling for too long before I spill over or deflate.
My genes are hard these days. My soul is diamond rough. I can gush over us through fiber cables.  Want to make it real?

Still it can't be effusive enough to maintain my stares.I'd rather play chess with my liquor or indulge in purchases.I could enjoy the company of dear friends who I know see me.Is it worth the trouble to get out there again?  Can't I just spend the summer evenings safe and liquored up?

Through another dry, cold winter and another simmering summer, as my body and my face ages.
I am betraying my self with fear and numbness, hating that whether I feel good or bad, I choose to indulge in comfort, all the time.  My own bed, my own secrecy. 

I desire you and I want you to pull me close, feel my tender heart. Know that taking time away from my little world is a choice I seldom make.  Someone to appreciate that instead of turning their back on me for my efforts.

I want to take those cute pictures together, and share special moments.  I want to know you so well I can read your mind. I want to fall asleep to your whispers and your arms and your touch. I want you to give a shit. 

I am in a dollhouse world, and I spend the day looking out a glass window to nature thriving in its own.  The trees and the squirrels and the bunnies don't carry shame to be.  Why must I carry it any longer? I should give away what isn't mine.

Learn to express chambered desires forgotten deep down.  Fear carries with it such a heaviness and it's tethered to my very being.  I had no choice but to show my scars in the past, I was dejected or judged or forgotten because of it. It more or less defined me.

I'm supposed to give it another go.  I need an ounce of feeling and a reason to try. If I could have faith that things may work out. If I could believe that just maybe someone would accept my dark side. If I could embrace myself without feeling unbeautiful. Then I could give it another go.

I have forgotten how to be candid. I know only how to survive and I have survived by embracing a harsh reality that numbs me. I hold on to a deep hope that somewhere, someday, I will find you.

Comments

  1. Jacob BurkeyJuly 30, 2020 at 4:31 PM

    "I want to take those cute pictures together, and share special moments. I want to know you so well I can read your mind. I want to fall asleep to your whispers and your arms and your touch. I want you to give a shit."

    You could've stolen that right from my deepest fantasies. I thought I had found him... but we know how that story ended.

    Don't worry; we'll find our matches one day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BlueAugust 19, 2020 at 10:40 AM

      I would say that this is my brain spilling out different thoughts and feelings... who knows what it really means. I know that you meet everyone for a reason. People come into your life for a reason, that is for sure. :)

      Delete
  2. Michael ThomasAugust 18, 2020 at 9:48 AM

    you know you're doing in those special moments? staging them for the pics. and being able to read people's minds means no need to talk because you already know the answer. life is better unscripted and with some mystery, imo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BlueAugust 19, 2020 at 10:39 AM

      I am equally cynical about all of the posed pictures. I do think that relationships so deep that you can read someone's mind may sound better than it is in real life.

      Delete
    2. Michael ThomasAugust 23, 2020 at 12:33 PM

      at some point in a relationship you've heard that same story about a hundred times. the only cure for this is to make new stories where you don't know how it ends ahead of time.

      Delete
    3. Jacob BurkeyAugust 25, 2020 at 6:46 AM

      My motto, Michael: never stop changing. If you're a different person every couple years, you're always doing new things and making new stories.

      Delete

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