Making Up With Myself




The bath tub is my happy place.  The warm water surrounding my skin and the soft yellow light permeating from the side of the vanity allows me to escape the harsh exposure that the world necessitates.  For a few minutes, I can let myself fall into a trance, allowing the lavender suds to slowly dissipate until the water is clear.  Then I will slowly drain the water, and dry myself in stages, stepping out and feeling tender.

Ritually taking a soapy bath is called being nice to yourself.  Foreign to me as this concept may seem, it has become a necessary part of my life.  The bath is a jacuzzi and it engulfs my whole body.  I can fully submerge myself and keep just my eyes glazed over the water so I can see the reflection of the faucet rippling across.

These moments where I check in with myself, scanning my body for strength, frailty, hope, witness.  Grazing across my skin, my hands recount the moments of the day.  In the safeness of this space, I’m free to be myself and not feel censored, coddled or trivialized.

I can admit it surprises me that my roommates are accepting of my sexuality, that someone may want to listen to what I have to say, when my ideas are lauded as exceptional, when my work is complimented, when someone tells me they find me attractive.  Echoing the mantra of “I hear you. I see you. You matter” does not erase these echoes on repeat.

So I need to apologize… to myself.

For all of the times I kept quiet in a meeting because I was afraid of adverse reaction or being talked over.  For all of the times I allowed myself to be hurt because I was afraid to say “stop”.  For all of the times I told myself that my dreams were too big to execute and that I would never be able to achieve them.  For all of the times I told myself I wasn’t good, attractive or smart enough.  For all of the times I hurt someone else because I couldn’t look myself in the eyes. 

For all of those times… I need to apologize… to myself.

After the suds cleanse my body and allow my spirit to renew and wash off all that I have velcrowed during the day, may those leave with the unclean water.  May all of my regrets and my moments of weakness be washed away down the drain.  And may these regrets get fewer and farther between as I begin the voyage of making up with myself.


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