How are you still single?

Sometimes, I am asked “how are you still single?”  Is it fantasy or is it fallacy?  My first reaction is always to recoil at being complimented in any way, shape or form.  At some point, I learned to brush away compliments (but that is another story).  I am definitely trying to un(re)-learn that behavior.  Accepting a compliment is affirmation.  What right do I have to deny myself of that?  I digress.

Of course, this statement follows me around, mostly because I am keenly aware of the fact that I am single.  I feel like Hester Prynne walking around with the “S” label, but of course, this label is only in my head (purposely overstated).  In fact, I’ve probably felt this way for about, I don’t know, seven years.  That is how long it’s been since I’ve been in a “relationship”.

I am cynical.  The first thing I feel when I see the constant gloating on social media from couples is to dismiss that as the “storefront”.  Yes I get jealous.  I want that.  I want what that looks like, anyway. 

I saw a gay therapist a few years ago, when I first moved back to the area.  He was an older man who I stumbled upon after scouring the interwebs for a while.  I told him the story of my first boyfriend, Richard, who I met at age 18.  Richard lived in a small town in Georgia and I would drive several hours to see him whenever I could.  I told my therapist how my life fell apart once that relationship deteriorated.  To my surprise, he took out a pen and paper and drew a circle, with a piece cut out of it.  At first I thought it was for dramatic effect or he was explaining fractions to me.

He pointed to the slice.

“This is you,” he said.

Then he pointed to the rest of the pie. 

“This is everyone else.” 

“Richard was there with you.  Then he was gone”.

However inane I felt the analogy was at the time, it stuck with me.  Did I really feel that remote in my expression that I was grasping tightly to anyone or anything that felt “safe”?  It’s true.  I glorified those somewhat mundane occasions where we visited the Mall of Georgia, or went out to Chili’s, or ventured out to the local park, or my favorite, the beautiful Dandelion Inn ($39/night).  At the time, I was not out of the closet and there was a lot of time and money wasted on preventing the truth from getting out.  Unfortunately, when we couldn’t afford a hotel room, I even had to sneak through the front window in his bedroom and hide in a closet if we heard rustling from the kitchen. I literally had to hide “in the closet”.  No joke.

I had a drawer in my closet that used to store these memories.  Until a few years ago, that drawer was filled to the brim with half used candles, Starbucks cups with “Richard” and “Clay” written on them, and various other tickets, letters, and drawings we shared with each other.  I remember the phone conversations I had with my mom (the only one who knew at the time) about how I wanted Richard to move up to Chapel Hill with me when I transferred there from Virginia Tech and get a modest apartment together.  I spent a day reading through everything, and while playing some music in memoriam and some bittersweet tears, I threw these materials away.  I needed to close that chapter in my life. 

So maybe I was the lonely piece of the pie for a long time; fear and inhibited expression wreaked havoc on me and didn’t allow me to fully integrate with others.  I would be lying if I said I don’t still feel some of those emotions lingering at times.  Often, when I see posts on social media, my first thought is, “I would never fit in with that group”.  You know, the kind of pretty gays that everyone wants to look like and be like.  This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy because I stop engaging with anyone who makes me feel those insecurities, unfortunately embedded into my subconscious.

How am I still single?  A choice.  One that I was probably making with little conscious thought and mostly just learned habits from a prior time in my life.  I have come to believe that people seek out romantic partners who provide them with the kind of validation that they didn’t receive growing up.  That is, until they come to accept themselves as they are.  This is a process that varies and some people will never truly realize it.  When I say “accept” that is not to be taken lightly.  In all likelihood it could involve, at the least, a voyage, feverish writing or creative expression, affirmations, meditations, years of mistakes and hardship, a near-death experience. 

So how am I still single, you ask? I wanted a relationship for the wrong reasons.  Attraction shifts as we age. When I was younger, I was seeking out others who fit the idea of what I thought I needed in a partner, based on a preconceived idea of what I offer.  Shimmers of acceptance reveal just how powerful I am.  Self-acceptance is one of the most beautiful and potent feelings.  In those moments, I no longer care whether I am single or not.  I no longer feel I am a problem to be fixed or helped (or for some, a hero to fix or solve others). 

So I ask myself, why is it that people see value in relationships just for the label?  I was one of those people for years.  I didn’t want the Scarlet Letter of “S”.  We are taught that being single is a bad thing and it reflects poorly on you.  Just as shallow and dangerous as this thought process are the underlying assumptions we make.

Granted, we are social creatures and we naturally want to be partnered, that may be our natural state.  However, it seems that increasingly so, we don’t want to put in the hard work that it takes to have a healthy, mature relationship.  So many settle for a facade (i.e., abuse, addiction, codependency, lust) and make concessions as to the relationship terms (with openness or other contractual obligations).  A relationship is not a business relationship.  If you have to negotiate terms, is it really worth it?  Keep in mind, my issue here is more with semantics.   Call the relationship what it is.  Stop trying to pretty it up for social media.  Then again, what is social media but the highlight reel of someone’s life with heavy editing?  The fact that many of us know this fact, yet continue to torture ourselves with baseless comparisons, is baffling. 

How am I still single? Because I want to feel the fire in my soul for the right reasons. I can’t feel that fire until I light that fire inside myself.  If I’m being honest, this blog is part of that ambition.  I have so many pieces I’ve been hiding.  I have decided, coincidentally during a global pandemic, to stop that nonsense.  I decided to shut down the voice saying “what you have to say doesn’t matter”. If it matters to me, it matters.

Asking “how am I still single?” is missing the point.  In most cases, this question is asked based on a few photographs and maybe some contextual information like education and work experience.  Again, this is not a business relationship.  I’ll do my part and open up to the world.  Now show me why you give a shit who I am and what I have to say.  That is romantic as hell.