The Ramblings of Daily Life

I'm still here at the junction you left me, Shaken about and a little dusty. I am ready to be treated the way I was shown, eight years ago. I've watched the trains passing by,  with cars full of happy people, drinking tea and cheery. My soul burns with infinite regret, each time i see the tracks left behind me. While I sit here frozen and time itself, seems to run past me just a little bit faster. Perhaps it's too late for me,  to catch a little light before it all burns red. Your lips on mine were fire, in the warm summer nights and now your voice is a siren. We are doused out and smoke is dissipating, into the ether where my mind rests. Sinking beneath satin sheets and fluffy pillows, I am still in this place where you left me.

The other day, I used the last of my SpongeBob tear free Bubblebath.  Hopefully, it won't present a health hazard because it's one of those items that has lingered on for years and years.  I actually remember buying that bubble bath with Richard in a local Wally World back in 2009.  In honor of Richard's memory, I used the last of the bubble bath. I told my parents I was going on a trip with my friends for the weekend in the summer of '09.  At the time, I did not have a car of my own and it was a big deal for them to let me drive their car.  Equipped with my Motorola Infuse phone (yes, flip phone), I used VZW navigator to drive 191 miles down i-85 S until I approached the wasteland of strip malls 61 miles north of Atlanta.  The Jefferson exit was christened with a single Publix.   I arrived in a cookie cutter neighborhood, where I picked up Richard.  We had to keep things obscure, of course.  He introduced me to his friend, Emily as his ...

Go away Give me a chance to miss you Say goodbye It'll make me want to kiss you I love you so Much more when you're not here Watchin' all the bad shows Drinking all of my beer I don't believe Adam and Eve Spent every goddamn day together If you give me some room, there will be room enough for two (two) -Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely), P!nk   We actually met in the Wal-Mart parking lot.   What is this, a trailer trash nightmare?   I was a freshman in college.   I was huddled up in my dormitory and we found eachother… online.   The last relationship ripped me to shreds.   I guess dating an ex-Mormon with horrible self image problems that he would constantly project on me wasn’t ideal.   Then again, how was I to know?   My experience was so limited at the time.  My few exposures to the dating world were not exactly positive. So as we walked through the Wal-Mart and picked out our steak and potatoes to cook in my kitchenette (how...

  A boulder on my back and a pit in my stomach. Churning in the wee hours of the morning.   Could I achieve a few more hours of busy, static sleep? Casual life of the unacceptable.   Can I listen to your quiet voice among the brazen? Sweat brandished into the sheets.   I fucking hate you with every fiber of my being. I want to destroy your feelings.   Then I’d just be, or I’d just slip into the catacombs of emptiness. Behind a wall of distraction.   The hurdle of inspiration seems to be getting beaten down. Over and over and over.   Carrying the boulder, Until you are ready to let it fall.    

Words stuck at the tip of my tongue. Anger, anguish, fear. Struck is the whipped cream on a cocktail of emotional pain. I am a popped balloon. You compared the two of us. Your sister’s eyes said so much. Deep down I knew.  Deep down I knew. I wanted to be righteous. I waited, I chased, I fought to the acerbic end. Ripped to shreds, waiting For a scrap of pity from you. Eyes glued shut with yesterday's tears. I wanted to appease you, So I could hate you properly. Violent voices sprung at the ring of my phone.   Cowered into A corner, I leapt up and ran. I threw things.  I tore away. I vowed never again, never again. History I can’t rewind. I see myself in you, baby. I had so much to learn. It's going to hurt like hell. Solitude, rugged individualism, A wall so high no heart could climb, My antidote. Let's stop the doors from closing off. You're worthy, you're worthy. You must be kind.  Grow humbly, with bright eye...

Growing up in the Information age, discovering my newfound sexuality, and going through all of the normal craziness that most teenagers do, I spent many years trying to project myself outwardly as "someone".   The problem was, this was hardly a genuine projection.   It was essentially a mask I wore for external validation, a façade to please others in spite of myself.   Most of my childhood, I was extremely introverted, and I ate whatever I wanted.   Food, social media, and computer games were drugs I used to deal with my feelings of loneliness or dejection.   I also didn't care much about what I looked like.   Once I started putting a little more energy into what I was eating, I was able to lose some weight.   To no surprise, some people started to pay more attention to me.     In college, I used to eat a s'mores pop-tart and drink coffee every morning.   I fell in love with the selfie and stopped using my DSLR.   Also...

Feeling asleep from the honeycomb Peeling the crust from my eyes each day. Coffee like a mud pit, waking slowly. Each day is a little experiment. We are taught that nothing good lasts. I spend each day spinning, wrestling Meaning to confront a few things. Deciding what means what to me. Wrapping myself up I see, can I appreciate these curves I have matured into.   Leaping into a well of uncertainty.   Resisting the urge to comply with your standards.   Sinking myself into a puddle of wanting, showing off, pedantically searching for meaning. Ridding myself of little things and exchanging them for currency.   Making time to write down the tiny nightmares and inconsistencies.   Wondering how it may feel to embrace you, to have one thing I have not. Wondering if and when I’d be ready.   Indulging In the thoughts of you.   Emotions radiating from my touch while they fall on deaf ears.

Sometimes, I am asked “how are you still single?”   Is it fantasy or is it fallacy?   My first reaction is always to recoil at being complimented in any way, shape or form.   At some point, I learned to brush away compliments (but that is another story).   I am definitely trying to un(re)-learn that behavior.   Accepting a compliment is affirmation.   What right do I have to deny myself of that?   I digress. Of course, this statement follows me around, mostly because I am keenly aware of the fact that I am single.   I feel like Hester Prynne walking around with the “S” label, but of course, this label is only in my head (purposely overstated).   In fact, I’ve probably felt this way for about, I don’t know, seven years.   That is how long it’s been since I’ve been in a “relationship”. I am cynical.   The first thing I feel when I see the constant gloating on social media from couples is to dismiss that as the “st...