The Ramblings of Daily Life

Go away Give me a chance to miss you Say goodbye It'll make me want to kiss you I love you so Much more when you're not here Watchin' all the bad shows Drinking all of my beer I don't believe Adam and Eve Spent every goddamn day together If you give me some room, there will be room enough for two (two) -Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely), P!nk   We actually met in the Wal-Mart parking lot.   What is this, a trailer trash nightmare?   I was a freshman in college.   I was huddled up in my dormitory and we found eachother… online.   The last relationship ripped me to shreds.   I guess dating an ex-Mormon with horrible self image problems that he would constantly project on me wasn’t ideal.   Then again, how was I to know?   My experience was so limited at the time.  My few exposures to the dating world were not exactly positive. So as we walked through the Wal-Mart and picked out our steak and potatoes to cook in my kitchenette (how...

  A boulder on my back and a pit in my stomach. Churning in the wee hours of the morning.   Could I achieve a few more hours of busy, static sleep? Casual life of the unacceptable.   Can I listen to your quiet voice among the brazen? Sweat brandished into the sheets.   I fucking hate you with every fiber of my being. I want to destroy your feelings.   Then I’d just be, or I’d just slip into the catacombs of emptiness. Behind a wall of distraction.   The hurdle of inspiration seems to be getting beaten down. Over and over and over.   Carrying the boulder, Until you are ready to let it fall.    

Growing up in the Information age, discovering my newfound sexuality, and going through all of the normal craziness that most teenagers do, I spent many years trying to project myself outwardly as "someone".   The problem was, this was hardly a genuine projection.   It was essentially a mask I wore for external validation, a façade to please others in spite of myself.   Most of my childhood, I was extremely introverted, and I ate whatever I wanted.   Food, social media, and computer games were drugs I used to deal with my feelings of loneliness or dejection.   I also didn't care much about what I looked like.   Once I started putting a little more energy into what I was eating, I was able to lose some weight.   To no surprise, some people started to pay more attention to me.     In college, I used to eat a s'mores pop-tart and drink coffee every morning.   I fell in love with the selfie and stopped using my DSLR.   Also...

Feeling asleep from the honeycomb Peeling the crust from my eyes each day. Coffee like a mud pit, waking slowly. Each day is a little experiment. We are taught that nothing good lasts. I spend each day spinning, wrestling Meaning to confront a few things. Deciding what means what to me. Wrapping myself up I see, can I appreciate these curves I have matured into.   Leaping into a well of uncertainty.   Resisting the urge to comply with your standards.   Sinking myself into a puddle of wanting, showing off, pedantically searching for meaning. Ridding myself of little things and exchanging them for currency.   Making time to write down the tiny nightmares and inconsistencies.   Wondering how it may feel to embrace you, to have one thing I have not. Wondering if and when I’d be ready.   Indulging In the thoughts of you.   Emotions radiating from my touch while they fall on deaf ears.