The Ramblings of Daily Life

  A boulder on my back and a pit in my stomach. Churning in the wee hours of the morning.   Could I achieve a few more hours of busy, static sleep? Casual life of the unacceptable.   Can I listen to your quiet voice among the brazen? Sweat brandished into the sheets.   I fucking hate you with every fiber of my being. I want to destroy your feelings.   Then I’d just be, or I’d just slip into the catacombs of emptiness. Behind a wall of distraction.   The hurdle of inspiration seems to be getting beaten down. Over and over and over.   Carrying the boulder, Until you are ready to let it fall.    

Words stuck at the tip of my tongue. Anger, anguish, fear. Struck is the whipped cream on a cocktail of emotional pain. I am a popped balloon. You compared the two of us. Your sister’s eyes said so much. Deep down I knew.  Deep down I knew. I wanted to be righteous. I waited, I chased, I fought to the acerbic end. Ripped to shreds, waiting For a scrap of pity from you. Eyes glued shut with yesterday's tears. I wanted to appease you, So I could hate you properly. Violent voices sprung at the ring of my phone.   Cowered into A corner, I leapt up and ran. I threw things.  I tore away. I vowed never again, never again. History I can’t rewind. I see myself in you, baby. I had so much to learn. It's going to hurt like hell. Solitude, rugged individualism, A wall so high no heart could climb, My antidote. Let's stop the doors from closing off. You're worthy, you're worthy. You must be kind.  Grow humbly, with bright eye...

When I was younger, I used to play The Sims to escape reality.   I would create my characters, build them houses, get them married and have kids.   To what should be nobody's surprise, after a couple of days, months, years in Sim time, I would get tired of the family and move on to a new one.   The fun part was the creation, the newness, the God like powers afforded to you in the interactive simulation game.   I spent many of my weekends engaged in this universe, safe and removed from reality.   During this time, the PC was conduit for me to escape.   Later came MySpace, Discussion Forums.   I think most of us had our favorites.   I used to watch American Idol religiously, and I would participate in Idolforums (I think they had 18,000 users).   We had our own culture and way of conversing.   I even taught myself how to make "blendies" and "avatars" in Adobe Photoshop (is that what they still call them?).   At the time, these dis...

Feeling asleep from the honeycomb Peeling the crust from my eyes each day. Coffee like a mud pit, waking slowly. Each day is a little experiment. We are taught that nothing good lasts. I spend each day spinning, wrestling Meaning to confront a few things. Deciding what means what to me. Wrapping myself up I see, can I appreciate these curves I have matured into.   Leaping into a well of uncertainty.   Resisting the urge to comply with your standards.   Sinking myself into a puddle of wanting, showing off, pedantically searching for meaning. Ridding myself of little things and exchanging them for currency.   Making time to write down the tiny nightmares and inconsistencies.   Wondering how it may feel to embrace you, to have one thing I have not. Wondering if and when I’d be ready.   Indulging In the thoughts of you.   Emotions radiating from my touch while they fall on deaf ears.

We all need convictions.  We can’t recall the past correctly, so we fill in the gaps.  We can’t predict the future, so we imagine.  I would never give up my imagination for anything.   The fact that I still have the ability to dream is the biggest blessing.   However, I must not confuse dream with prophecy. I vacillated back and forth among various living situations in the last several years.   I rented by myself, with roommates, in high-end communities, low end communities, lived at home.   Changing my environment was one way in which I reset myself for a fresh beginning.   Every time I thought about purchasing a home, I could not make up my mind about what I wanted.   A nice townhome in the city, a fixer upper in the burbs, a house in the country?   I let everyone else’s opinions shift my attitude towards what I wanted back and forth.   I toured a bunch of different places, but I seemed to always find an issue so...